Dear God...What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

I am not sure what has gotten into me. It feels like discontent. As Prince said, "Maybe I am just like my mother. She is never satisfied." But in my mom's case, she is never content. And here I am, feeling like I am rolling a boulder uphill, knowing that it will just roll back down the other side. King Sisyphus always did seem the most tragic of mythic figures, outside of Prometheus, for the sheer uselessness of his effort.

I am sitting in my living room, contemplating whether to make myself imitation Crystal Light or pour myself a (small) glass of brandy. I love the glasses I use for brandy. They are real crystal and make the most delightful "tink" when tapped gently. The imitation Crystal Light will go into a regular clear glass. I want the brandy. Is it wrong to choose a drink by the container into which it is poured?

I quit my job about six weeks ago to finish up my MA. My money has run out, and I need to reestablish a flow of income. I have enjoyed devoting my time to school, but spending the majority of time in my house doing homework is starting to give me cabin fever. Feeling like King Sisyphus is enough of a challenge; I don't want to add Jack Nicholson's character from The Shining into the mix.

I spoke to the English Master's director today and realized the final project I wanted to do (a travel journal for a trip to Costa Rica, where I would save baby sea turtles and learn to surf) may not be possible time-wise unless I postpone graduation by a few more months. And the scope of my project really needs to be narrowed down. So that's something to consider.

Then, what happens after I get my MA? That could be less than six months away. Plans are a good thing to have. Until having so many turns me into a control-freak extraordinaire. So to summarize, my discontent with my life as it was prompted me to stretch out and try something (many things) different. But every step feels unfamiliar and scary, so I walk around semi-frozen, afraid of making a wrong decision. I can ask for input, but at this level of creating my life, ultimately my decisions defer to me. It's exciting. I learn a lot. But I have no idea exactly what I am doing.

And with my glass of brandy in hand, cheers to learning to live with the unknown.

Oh, speaking of dead kings and horror movies, I make a dreary zombie.

Cheers!

What's next?

It has been almost two years, and I sent out with the goal of doing something worthwhile with my life based on that merit badge book mentioned in the first post...You Can Do It! (And not the one by Louis Hay, although I own that one too). I have since come to decide, in doing so, I take life far FAR too seriously. It's like I do not want to do anything unless I have a goal with end results, which are measurable. There is a problem with this, simply because along the way, the journey will reveal possibilities never even dreamed of.

This blog posting is going to go off as more of a rant. I just have to much to say and need to get it off my chest. Since no one reads it, that is quite okay. Besides, even this blog posting is prompted by a goal with measurable results. At the end of 2010, I decided to go back to school to get my Masters in English and become well-read. Two years of graduate school, and I am staring down my thesis project, which is seeded in this post. As for being well-read, I've read more, but my to-read list has exploded. So about that thesis project thing, I have a piece of creative nonfiction I want to write. In writing it, I will also have to write about writing it. Higher educations in the Humanities....metacognition is not enough. One must think and document the metacognition going on. A blog seems a perfect place to do so! And when I have to bundle up all my reflections, I will have a place to collect them. I intend to set up a different, more professional, looking blog to chronicle the chronicle of my life, but till then, this blog is a perfectly lovely place to track myself. I should probably describe my project. Nah, I am going to put that off for now. But as a hint, true to the roots of this blog, it involves sea turtles and Costa Rica.

SO instead, I will share another rumination. I was driving around, blasting the heat in my Jeep, considering fall. The whole cycle of life, death, and rebirth. October always takes me to meditations on this subject. I went to one of my favorite coffee shops and got a tuna sandwich on lettuce. Then I came home, lit the gas-fire place, and made some sugar plum tea. My cats insisted on having their own tuna, and now they are curled up like little insects, sleeping in front of the fire place.

October, like the autumn, is a very powerful  place for ruminations. The weather gets cold, bears go into hibernation, and we look within. What I find is that I have internalized the idea of the Law of Entropy a tad to well. My house is not as clean as I would like it to be, and the only reason is that I can barely understand why I should clean it if it will just get messy again. My car too. Why should I dust the dash board if it will just be dusty in a week again anyway? While some of this mind frame is natural, some of it is just complacency.  Just because all things move from new and fresh to decay, life to death, is that a reason to let things fall apart? Knowing I will someday die...is that a reason to have an only half-lived life?

This conversation was so much more interesting inside my head. Oh well, at least now I have it written down so I can revisit it, I guess.

It's Spring! Not that you can tell by the weather.

So Spring is here. I guess Spring has been here for a month, officially, but it never seems real to me until Easter. It is hard to believe with the perpetually pewter sky and nippy chill to the air. Where are the days for riding a scooter?

Work is slow, and I was thinking it has been a while since I have reflected, at least on this blog. I was considering the wonderful experience of being a dilettante, which is just a fancy way of saying someone with a short attention span that changes projects a lot and dabbles in several arts or hobbies without too much commitment to one project. Actually, it means this:

1. a person who takes up an art, activity, or subject merely for amusement, especially in a desultory or superficial way; dabbler.

That would be me! And I have the closests of half-finished projects and art-supplies to prove it. It's too bad it is not possible to be a professional dilettante. I would be an expert!

There's the costume making. And the oil painting. And the drawing. And the charcoals. And the quilting. Oh, and the beer brewing.

So I have been thinking about doing less 'thing' intensive dabbling. Things like bird watching, water skiing, and camping. I am all about doing fun and exciting things! I just want options that invovle less clutter.

A little discouraged

I ask myself what am I doing? It feels like my life is just a pile of goals, and it feels very cold to me. So if I learn to fly a plane, go skydiving, learn to speak french, even if i were to own a private castle in fairy land, those are wonderful things. But what about what makes life really rich? In my experience, being close to others and having loved ones is the greatest luxury life ever affords. I have great friends, but for the most part, it feels like i live my life in solo mode. Even the way I write, it always seems to be my own reflections. I miss my experience in Korea, where I was forced to be around others day in day out, almost every waking moment. It forced me to be open and deeply involved in others. Back home, there is a huge disconnect in my experience, and I am positive it is from my own habits and how I structure my own world. Maybe I should visit that volunteer goal of mine, and find something that redeems my humanity. That seems like a great focus for new years.

Dating 101

So I went on a date, or two, or three. After that first one of getting back on the dating scene, they all start to blend together, unless they are AMAZING or AMAZINGLY bad.Surprisingly, the best date I have had has also been the cause of ridiculous 7th grade drama as well. A little over a week and a half ago, on a Friday, I ended up going out for extra beers with a guy from work, and the night turned into nothing less than magical. Good food, good conversation, and that type of clicking that makes you think "Wow, this might just be IT. This might just be the ONE!" And then, it all became unraveled like Weazer's sweater. Over the weekend, I got a text that the night was fun, as long as a question about whether the night was just alcohol induced or there was something more to it. The latter made my heart hurt. I was worried, and tried to call him. But no answer.

Monday came around, and since we work together (always a terrible idea for a dating pool, I know, I know!) I was unquestionably going to see him. But awkwardness? It was not so bad, other than the painful uncertainty I experienced all weekend to be answered by his facial expression where no troubles had been registered.

The week passed, and he had an emergency dental visit. I sent several texts and one or two calls, all the while starting to wonder if I was becoming that crazy obsessed girl. But the texts were mostly casual, without any need for reply....sense I had some how come to conclude coworker/dating-buddy is not so phone prone.

Until Thursday....when he randomly texts with "I can't do this. I am in a relationship". No clarification on what "this" is that he cannot do. And he told me there was nothing there....that his ex was like his sister. Now I am SO creeped ou! Enough with the texts, I responded with "Okay". I have to have some amount of respect for a guy that is A) in a relationship and B)has proven nonresponsive to my texts.

Then on Friday, he text me twice or thrice, with a couple calls. Since I was on a date, this all went unanswered. And Saturday, he text me at 7:30 am to ask if I wanted to go out for breakfast and antique shopping. This behavior threw me into fits of confusion. Never have I gotten such conflicting messages in so short a time frame. I text him back, reminding him he was in a relationship and asking that he lose my number, which finally he did. I mean, when I feel like I need to talk, I might as well page a brick wall, but whenever he gets the idea in his head, after blowing me off, I am supposed to rollover and play dead, because guess what?! He was finally paying attention to me.

Today, I got to work, with a post-it note on my keyboard. "Can we talk about this" it said, with a check box for "Yes" and one for "No." I thought it would be best to borrow from his favorite bag of behaviors and opted for no response. He sent me an email, asking the same thing. I told him I had nothing to say, but if he would leave me alone, I would spend 5 minutes after work allowing him to say whatever demanded so much attention. When work ended, he positively RAN out of work. Although I am not a mind reader, I would interpret this behavior to suggest that he wanted me to know he would not talk to me on my time table and to let me know he did not care that much to talk to me.

Yes, it is 7th grade all over. And he is almost 50! I always assumed an older man would be more mature, which has always proved my assumption wrong when put to the test. It seems there are just a few extra decades to reinforce immature and self-defeating behavior. I will hopefully never mistake age for mature again in dating. People talk about baggage. It seems some baggage is good: you know, the bare essentials for survival like life learning experiences, stuff that goes on a resume, and whatever else has the ability to open someone's eyes in the search for wisdom. That seems like a good set of luggage to have and embrace in a relationship, but after that, all the baggage is just so unessential.

But in my dating life, I now have a rough draft for a list of what I want in a man, based on what I most certainly do NOT want. SO over 7th grade....

Quilting...

So he has not called, and I am freaking out. I had to distract myself. My mom came with her serger, and here is what I did:

Dating

So here I am, posting about something very personal, and it makes me want to crawl into some type of protective shell and hide from the world. I went out to drinks with a few people from work last night, and we discussed our life plans. I mentioned my list of tasks, with highlights of going back to school to be a teacher and traveling and saving baby sea turtles. One guy that I have felt a certain affintiy for noticed that I have no place in my 1-3 year plans for a relationship and/or kids. He called me out on this, saying that it was his greatest regret, and that I would regret it too, if I continue to march through life solo.

While that may be true, it intersects with one of the badges I have recently taken up. Having a purpose in life, even if it is a list of tasks to do, gives me an incredible amount of self confidence. With a recent boost in my self esteem, I took on the one task that a few months ago would have thrown me into panic attacks: dating. The book talks about making lists of my past mistakes, my personality, a personality of a person I would like to date, and what I would like to do. I skipped these steps and jumped right into online dating. At this point, I have only met one person from the site, but I have gone on three dates with a friend from my old job, and last night, the drinks-out turned into a date with the very guy that warned me about loneliness.

Now, I am feeling very insecure. And I know this is where I go when I am in a relationship. I have no idea how to hold on to who I am, who I have become, with the looming vulnerability of opening up so completely that I can experience the greatest bliss and deepest pain humans know. But I do not want to live like a robot, half lonely, for the rest of my life. Not saying I only have two options of dating or being lonely, but what is amazing is my own very resistence to what I want most.

I do not feel good right now. I am terrified. I feel like a three year old, lost in a store full of strangers. I am not sure if I have the trust or faith that everything will be okay. It does not help that I work with the one guy (I have a rule not to date guys from work, but damnit, I am not very good about following my own rules). Also in that, I have been ignoring my sexuality, which is not helpful.

I want to pull an ostrich and stick my head in the sand. But, lucky for me, I have a list of several tasks with which to distract myself.

Wine left overs

So, I still have Chardonnay and Pinot Blanc, and although I cannot tell the difference, both are in the fridge begging to be drunk. Who am I to deny wine its manifest destiny? Those grapes were born to affirm my own joy in life!

So I was considering all my goals today, and it is rather daunting. Um, it's not just a list. It's a list of transformation. There is no way I can do all those things and be the same person. So I have three words: Bring IT On! I am a timid soul, but I hate boredom, and my hatred of boredom almost always wins out, and I have to find new and exciting ways to amuse myself. A month ago, being on a dating site alone almost gave me a panic attack. And now, I am replying to almost every message.

I do have to say, having my wine tasting party only affirmed my HUGE weakness in knowing one red wine from another. Ditto for whites. I can at least tell the difference from reds and whites, although I cannot guarantee that would hold up if I were blind folded. I may have to seak professional help. From a wine drinking pro.

Ohhhhhhhhh, I have such a long way to go. *Glass of wine!* Here is cheers to that!!

Wine appreciation...

Not that anyone is following or reading this, but it's all about me anyway, so I felt I would excuse myself from my long break from writing a post. Please be assured that my dedication to this project has in no way waned. I just started a new job, and that took up my focus for a few weeks. In the mean time, I applied for, and was accepted, to a Masters of Arts program for English. This means that two (or was it three) of my tasks are set up to be in motion... being well read and going back to school.

Also, in the meantime, I have taken on the first task of wine appreciation. This was easy, since all I had to do was invite people to my house to drink the wine I bought. I had a friend help me pick out seven bottles of wines, two white, one blush, and four red. Then I put together a list of what they were, along with the specific brands we would be sampling. I invited about 14 or 15 people, since it seems that at an average, half the people invited will show up. I asked the guests to bring cheese, chips, crackers, and sorbet. I served some apples and different water (sparkling, mineral, distilled) to cleanse the palet. The book suggested to have each guess bring a bottle of wine, but I am way too controlling for that. I wanted to know what would be served and make sure it would not be missed if a guest couldn't make it for some reason. 

The night of the party, my guests arrived near on time, which is unusual for a party. It included my best friend, her boyfriend, my best guy friend, his friend, another close girl friend with her friend, and an old friend I have not seen in some years. We opened a bottle of Burgandy to start the night and get everyone warmed up. I had the bottles wrapped in blue masking tape, the kind used for painting, with numbers 1-7 written on the bottles. Everyone had a note card to write what wine they thought they were drinking, as well as adjectives to describe the wine. 

The results were surprising. I was amazed at how well some of my friends knew their wine. I knew what the wines were, but still had great difficulty actually discerning the difference between the reds. Another of my friends, not a big drinker, did not make it past the third glass. In all, two of my guests got 5 out of 7 right (it seems the Pinot Noir and Caberne sent out conflicting vibes on which was which).

At the end of the night, everyone left, happy. I was slightly buzzed, happily full, and deeply amused. I got to see a new side to people I have known for a long time. But I am not really any better educated on wine tasting. I think I may look for a local class, and now I know which friends to invite with me to such a class...

Plan of Attack

Okay, so now, I am going to try to do a basic outline of how I can complete 72 merit badge tasks as thoroughly and efficiently as possible.

First things, first. I am using this blog as the "Dare to Dream" badge, the first one listed in the book. This blog is my dream to add a quest back into my life. YAY! One done!

Second, I am stuck on this turtle thing. I am obsessed with turtles. I have two red eared sliders and a russian tortoise. I LOVE them! They are so fun to watch. If I have a totem, it is definitely a turtle. I have a sea turtle tatoo. I was in a coffee shop one day when a guy stopped and asked me about the tattoo. I told him how much I loved turtles, and he told me he worked as an attorney for an organization dedicating to saving sea turtles. We talked, and he mentioned that there were programs dedicated to monitoring sea turtle eggs and hatchings. Since then, I have carried around this dream to go to Costa Rica for 2-3 weeks, and depending on the time of the year, either monitor known nests or help little hatchlings get into the water. I love watching the tiny little guys try to scurry with their big fins, awkwardly flopping (is there a verb for how sea turtle hatchlings move through sand, a total foreign environment) to get into the water. I feel the same way about dating. While there are many things I have wanted to do and not done, this one surprises me the most as an uncompleted task because there is so much innate momentum behind it for me. I am not sure what has held me back, but now it gets to be on my list! SO, I am going to bundle the following tasks together.

*travel (planning and completing a trip with baby sea turtles)
*activism (working with an organization dedicating to saving these magnificent animals)
*film making (i would like to put together a short film about my experience. why not)
*camping (i have camped my whole life, but where i am going will give me the opportunity to camp as i have never known it)
(1) Save baby sea turtles (from my own list)

Third, I would like to consider some of the t, asks that cannot be packed into a weekend. Being well-read and continuing education come to mind. I have a BA in English, but I do not feel well-read. There is SO much to read. I mean can anyone ever really master Shakespeare? And even if I appreciate Faulkner and Hemingway,  I have not thought much about Manlichers or "For Whom the Bell Tolls" between paying bills and writing emails. I really miss it. So I am seriously considering going back for my MA in English, selecting a specific area for which I can read and claim to be "well-read". And if I decide to commit myself to this endevour, we can check the following, eventually:

*go back to school (continuing your education)
*get well-read
(12) Get a graduate degree (from my own list)

Fourth, with the recent discovery that I work well with structure in mind, I want to set up a daily ritual, in the morning, before work. This would be my major ME time (but honestly, since I am single and self-interested, there is lots more ME time in my life than most other  people I know, and I have to admit that I like it that way). Anyhow, to continue, I would meditate and exercise in this daily morning ritual time. I would like to take on the following:

*yoga
*meditation
*fitness/exercise

I should mention that while I have had fitness routines in the past, I have been very lazy for over two years and I am way out of shape. Just thought I should mention this for reference, so when I groan over 10 sit-ups, you know why. The triathlon idea sounds great but it makes my stomach hurt just at the thought. It will be nice when it is in reach. =)

To my counting, that is 12 tasks integrated into some type of planning.

Fifth is a vision that I have in my head that sounds slightly absurd, but amazing at the same time. I have a minor in Spanish, and some time ago, I could speak it passibly well. One of the tasks is foreign language, and part of me wanted to just say "Spanish", but I have really really wanted to learn French. And I love the idea of going to the Orsey Museum (the spelling is wrong) in Paris, appreciating the fine nuissance of French Impressionism in French. So I would like to learn French. The how's of this will be defined later:

*speaking a foreign language
*art appreciation

Sixth, there are several tasks that can be done by focusing one weekend, or a week. In my estimation, the following can be included in this list, although I retain the right to revise this list any time in the future, should one prove more problematic, engrossing, or fun than one week's time allows:

*firewalking
*public speaking
*drafting a business plan
*painting
*photography
*beading
*sewing
*quilting
*negotiating
*cooking
*wine appreciation
*entertaining
*surfing
*skydiving
*scuba diving
*horseback riding ((17) go horseback riding in Southern Utah/Grand Canyon)
*genealogy
From my list:
(5) meet a guru
(18) river rafting

Seventh, here are some that will take longer in executing, but I will save the planning for the future:
*dancing
*aviation
*singing
*writing ((10) write/publish a novel )
*building a web site
*gardening
*redo a room
*playing an instrument
*triathlon
*billiards
*nutrition
*health care
*quitting a bad habit
*budgeting
*saving and investing
*estate planning
*car care
*computer care
*home maintenance
*organizing (desperately needed!!)
*teaching
*dating
*stregthening your relationship (assuming dating goes well)
*volunteering
From my list:
(3) visit napal, thailand, japan
(6) have a family
(7) build a fortune
(8) fall MADLY in love
(15) own a private island
(16) get married
(19) learn to weld
(20) adopt a baby
(21) do something for world peace/hunger
(22)
(23) go around the world 3 times

I just realized that the weight of my list and the list from the book varies. My list was created as a to do list for my whole life, and it was not written in any particular order, in case (6) coming before (8), (16), or (20) threw anyone off.

Well, there it is. If I missed anything, it shall certainly be picked up on future revisits. I am not sure this is fun to read, yet, but its super exciting to think and write about. Cheers.

Searching for something to search for...

With my original post, I realized that I do better with structure. I want this blog to be something more than an online journal recording my mind's ramblings as I amble through my daily life. Sure, there is a lot to say and be said for each daily moment that may take me closer to some form of enlilghtened existence. That stuff is interesting......but.....there are so many OTHER options, too.

So I do love to travel, and my last few trips have been amazing but they have missed the element of transformational impact. When I was 17, three factors collided to make me a searcher. I went on my first trip to Europe, I realized that I wanted a different type of life than what my parents had patterned, and I found my natal religion lacking in consistency and spiritual support. At this point, I have established some sort of life pattern of my own, I have hacked through the jungle of religious beliefs to find what works for me, and I have been back to Europe a few times. The borders of the unknown have rescinded. And I felt like a shell. A shell of a seeker searching for a quest.

And I found one! It's sublime! It's a book, called "You Can Do It, The Merit Badge Handbook for Grown-up Girls". This book was at my favorite store, and I started thumbing through it five months ago.After several visits, I finally bought it. There are sixty tasks that can be completed, with very cute stickers at the end for recognition. And I had this thought that I would write a blog tracking the tasks I have selected, something that would be something between "Julie & Julia" and "Eat, Pray, Love". But in order to give the tasks the time they deserve, this will take more than a year. I am thinking three. Maybe four. Maybe I will never be done. It is hard to say. But what's the rush?

This book is by Lauren Catuzzi Grandcolas. She died on United Flight 93 on 9/11/2001. Any time I think of that, my eyes fill up with tears. Oh, that day. I had to complete a list of my addresses for the last 10 years for a background check the other day, and I struggled to recall where I lived 10 years ago. But that day. I can tell you what I did the day before and the day after, and what I was wearing on all three days. I have heard of those days that impact generations, like the Challenger explosion and the JFK assasination, but 9/11 is really the only experience I have of that generational memory blotting.

After she died, her sisters finished the book. Somehow, all of this comes together to really make me want to do a good job on this task of want-to-do's I am selecting for myself. This book is amazing. It has give me inspiration. To finish. And to live.

Okay, so I am going to list the different tasks below. I am going to put an asterisks next to my preliminary choices. I think some of these can be grouped together, which will be my task following choosing which ones to do. Some, those that are either easily started or already easily in reach, I will jump right into. Here is the list:

• dare to dream*
• dancing
• travel*
• acting
• firewalking*
• public speaking*
• activism*
• starting a rock band
• drafting a business plan*
• aviation*
• singing*
• painting*
• writing*
• filmmaking*
• photography*
• building a web site*
• gardening*
• redo a room*
• beading*
• sewing*
• quilting*
• knitting
• negotiating*
• speaking a foreign language*
• go back to school*
• playing an instrument*
• art appreciation*
• get well-read*
• cooking*
• wine appreciation*
• entertaining*
• fitness*
• yoga*
• surfing*
• climbing
• skydiving*
• triathlon*
• scuba diving*
• snow sports*
• billiards*
• horseback riding*
• nutrition*
• healthcare*
• breaking bad habits*
• look sharp--personal style*
• budgeting*
• saving and investing*
• estate planning*
• car care*
• computer care*
• home maintenance*
• organizing*
• meditation*
• teaching*
• camping*
• genealogy*
• family rituals*
• dating*
• strengthening your relationship*
• volunteering*
• dream on (make  your own badge)*

I have my own list, that I made 10/05. I would like to include it, because I would like to incorporate my personal dreams with the structure of the book. That way, this is tailored to fit me!

1. Save baby sea turtles
2. Visit Hawaii & see whales (completed)
3. Visit Napal, Thailand, Japan
4. Teach English in another country (completed)
5. Meet a guru
6. Have a family
7. Build a fortune
8. Fall MADLY in love
9. See a movie at Sundance (completed)
10. Write/publish a novel
11. Get a motorcycle (completed)
12. Get a graduate degree
13. Become a master scuba diver
14. Buy a house (completed)
15. Own my own private island
16. Get married
17. Go horseback riding in Southern Utah/Grand Canyon
18. Go river rafting
19. Learn to weld
20. Adopt a baby
21. Do something for world peace/hunger
22. (This one is for me to know)
23. Go around the world three times

Crap, that gives me 83 things to do and learn, some of them extremely intense. What am I thinking? Wait, I have some completed, and I did not select all 60 from the book. I am down  to 72.  Well, that's my goal and my search. I will leave another post right after this with rudimentary plans of attack, but this enough for one post.

To start with...

For a long time, I have loved to travel and see new things. For all of 2007, I lived in another country. Then I came back to my hometown, near the neighborhood where I grew up, and settled in. Although there is still a strong desire in me to travel, a new desire to explore has surfaced over the last few years. The desire to explore my inner world and the maze that is made of my dreams, desires, thoughts, fears, and all of the things that I have filled up my life to make it what it is. This has been a fascinating journey....sometimes fun, sometimes scary, sometimes painful, but always illuminating. And I want to share what I have discovered, as a way to show where I have been, but also in case anyone else out there is taking an inner journey in the same way.