Dear God...What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

I am not sure what has gotten into me. It feels like discontent. As Prince said, "Maybe I am just like my mother. She is never satisfied." But in my mom's case, she is never content. And here I am, feeling like I am rolling a boulder uphill, knowing that it will just roll back down the other side. King Sisyphus always did seem the most tragic of mythic figures, outside of Prometheus, for the sheer uselessness of his effort.

I am sitting in my living room, contemplating whether to make myself imitation Crystal Light or pour myself a (small) glass of brandy. I love the glasses I use for brandy. They are real crystal and make the most delightful "tink" when tapped gently. The imitation Crystal Light will go into a regular clear glass. I want the brandy. Is it wrong to choose a drink by the container into which it is poured?

I quit my job about six weeks ago to finish up my MA. My money has run out, and I need to reestablish a flow of income. I have enjoyed devoting my time to school, but spending the majority of time in my house doing homework is starting to give me cabin fever. Feeling like King Sisyphus is enough of a challenge; I don't want to add Jack Nicholson's character from The Shining into the mix.

I spoke to the English Master's director today and realized the final project I wanted to do (a travel journal for a trip to Costa Rica, where I would save baby sea turtles and learn to surf) may not be possible time-wise unless I postpone graduation by a few more months. And the scope of my project really needs to be narrowed down. So that's something to consider.

Then, what happens after I get my MA? That could be less than six months away. Plans are a good thing to have. Until having so many turns me into a control-freak extraordinaire. So to summarize, my discontent with my life as it was prompted me to stretch out and try something (many things) different. But every step feels unfamiliar and scary, so I walk around semi-frozen, afraid of making a wrong decision. I can ask for input, but at this level of creating my life, ultimately my decisions defer to me. It's exciting. I learn a lot. But I have no idea exactly what I am doing.

And with my glass of brandy in hand, cheers to learning to live with the unknown.

Oh, speaking of dead kings and horror movies, I make a dreary zombie.

Cheers!