Dating

So here I am, posting about something very personal, and it makes me want to crawl into some type of protective shell and hide from the world. I went out to drinks with a few people from work last night, and we discussed our life plans. I mentioned my list of tasks, with highlights of going back to school to be a teacher and traveling and saving baby sea turtles. One guy that I have felt a certain affintiy for noticed that I have no place in my 1-3 year plans for a relationship and/or kids. He called me out on this, saying that it was his greatest regret, and that I would regret it too, if I continue to march through life solo.

While that may be true, it intersects with one of the badges I have recently taken up. Having a purpose in life, even if it is a list of tasks to do, gives me an incredible amount of self confidence. With a recent boost in my self esteem, I took on the one task that a few months ago would have thrown me into panic attacks: dating. The book talks about making lists of my past mistakes, my personality, a personality of a person I would like to date, and what I would like to do. I skipped these steps and jumped right into online dating. At this point, I have only met one person from the site, but I have gone on three dates with a friend from my old job, and last night, the drinks-out turned into a date with the very guy that warned me about loneliness.

Now, I am feeling very insecure. And I know this is where I go when I am in a relationship. I have no idea how to hold on to who I am, who I have become, with the looming vulnerability of opening up so completely that I can experience the greatest bliss and deepest pain humans know. But I do not want to live like a robot, half lonely, for the rest of my life. Not saying I only have two options of dating or being lonely, but what is amazing is my own very resistence to what I want most.

I do not feel good right now. I am terrified. I feel like a three year old, lost in a store full of strangers. I am not sure if I have the trust or faith that everything will be okay. It does not help that I work with the one guy (I have a rule not to date guys from work, but damnit, I am not very good about following my own rules). Also in that, I have been ignoring my sexuality, which is not helpful.

I want to pull an ostrich and stick my head in the sand. But, lucky for me, I have a list of several tasks with which to distract myself.