So I went on a date, or two, or three. After that first one of getting back on the dating scene, they all start to blend together, unless they are AMAZING or AMAZINGLY bad.Surprisingly, the best date I have had has also been the cause of ridiculous 7th grade drama as well. A little over a week and a half ago, on a Friday, I ended up going out for extra beers with a guy from work, and the night turned into nothing less than magical. Good food, good conversation, and that type of clicking that makes you think "Wow, this might just be IT. This might just be the ONE!" And then, it all became unraveled like Weazer's sweater. Over the weekend, I got a text that the night was fun, as long as a question about whether the night was just alcohol induced or there was something more to it. The latter made my heart hurt. I was worried, and tried to call him. But no answer.
Monday came around, and since we work together (always a terrible idea for a dating pool, I know, I know!) I was unquestionably going to see him. But awkwardness? It was not so bad, other than the painful uncertainty I experienced all weekend to be answered by his facial expression where no troubles had been registered.
The week passed, and he had an emergency dental visit. I sent several texts and one or two calls, all the while starting to wonder if I was becoming that crazy obsessed girl. But the texts were mostly casual, without any need for reply....sense I had some how come to conclude coworker/dating-buddy is not so phone prone.
Until Thursday....when he randomly texts with "I can't do this. I am in a relationship". No clarification on what "this" is that he cannot do. And he told me there was nothing there....that his ex was like his sister. Now I am SO creeped ou! Enough with the texts, I responded with "Okay". I have to have some amount of respect for a guy that is A) in a relationship and B)has proven nonresponsive to my texts.
Then on Friday, he text me twice or thrice, with a couple calls. Since I was on a date, this all went unanswered. And Saturday, he text me at 7:30 am to ask if I wanted to go out for breakfast and antique shopping. This behavior threw me into fits of confusion. Never have I gotten such conflicting messages in so short a time frame. I text him back, reminding him he was in a relationship and asking that he lose my number, which finally he did. I mean, when I feel like I need to talk, I might as well page a brick wall, but whenever he gets the idea in his head, after blowing me off, I am supposed to rollover and play dead, because guess what?! He was finally paying attention to me.
Today, I got to work, with a post-it note on my keyboard. "Can we talk about this" it said, with a check box for "Yes" and one for "No." I thought it would be best to borrow from his favorite bag of behaviors and opted for no response. He sent me an email, asking the same thing. I told him I had nothing to say, but if he would leave me alone, I would spend 5 minutes after work allowing him to say whatever demanded so much attention. When work ended, he positively RAN out of work. Although I am not a mind reader, I would interpret this behavior to suggest that he wanted me to know he would not talk to me on my time table and to let me know he did not care that much to talk to me.
Yes, it is 7th grade all over. And he is almost 50! I always assumed an older man would be more mature, which has always proved my assumption wrong when put to the test. It seems there are just a few extra decades to reinforce immature and self-defeating behavior. I will hopefully never mistake age for mature again in dating. People talk about baggage. It seems some baggage is good: you know, the bare essentials for survival like life learning experiences, stuff that goes on a resume, and whatever else has the ability to open someone's eyes in the search for wisdom. That seems like a good set of luggage to have and embrace in a relationship, but after that, all the baggage is just so unessential.
But in my dating life, I now have a rough draft for a list of what I want in a man, based on what I most certainly do NOT want. SO over 7th grade....
Monday, December 20, 2010
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Quilting...
So he has not called, and I am freaking out. I had to distract myself. My mom came with her serger, and here is what I did:
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Dating
So here I am, posting about something very personal, and it makes me want to crawl into some type of protective shell and hide from the world. I went out to drinks with a few people from work last night, and we discussed our life plans. I mentioned my list of tasks, with highlights of going back to school to be a teacher and traveling and saving baby sea turtles. One guy that I have felt a certain affintiy for noticed that I have no place in my 1-3 year plans for a relationship and/or kids. He called me out on this, saying that it was his greatest regret, and that I would regret it too, if I continue to march through life solo.
While that may be true, it intersects with one of the badges I have recently taken up. Having a purpose in life, even if it is a list of tasks to do, gives me an incredible amount of self confidence. With a recent boost in my self esteem, I took on the one task that a few months ago would have thrown me into panic attacks: dating. The book talks about making lists of my past mistakes, my personality, a personality of a person I would like to date, and what I would like to do. I skipped these steps and jumped right into online dating. At this point, I have only met one person from the site, but I have gone on three dates with a friend from my old job, and last night, the drinks-out turned into a date with the very guy that warned me about loneliness.
Now, I am feeling very insecure. And I know this is where I go when I am in a relationship. I have no idea how to hold on to who I am, who I have become, with the looming vulnerability of opening up so completely that I can experience the greatest bliss and deepest pain humans know. But I do not want to live like a robot, half lonely, for the rest of my life. Not saying I only have two options of dating or being lonely, but what is amazing is my own very resistence to what I want most.
I do not feel good right now. I am terrified. I feel like a three year old, lost in a store full of strangers. I am not sure if I have the trust or faith that everything will be okay. It does not help that I work with the one guy (I have a rule not to date guys from work, but damnit, I am not very good about following my own rules). Also in that, I have been ignoring my sexuality, which is not helpful.
I want to pull an ostrich and stick my head in the sand. But, lucky for me, I have a list of several tasks with which to distract myself.
While that may be true, it intersects with one of the badges I have recently taken up. Having a purpose in life, even if it is a list of tasks to do, gives me an incredible amount of self confidence. With a recent boost in my self esteem, I took on the one task that a few months ago would have thrown me into panic attacks: dating. The book talks about making lists of my past mistakes, my personality, a personality of a person I would like to date, and what I would like to do. I skipped these steps and jumped right into online dating. At this point, I have only met one person from the site, but I have gone on three dates with a friend from my old job, and last night, the drinks-out turned into a date with the very guy that warned me about loneliness.
Now, I am feeling very insecure. And I know this is where I go when I am in a relationship. I have no idea how to hold on to who I am, who I have become, with the looming vulnerability of opening up so completely that I can experience the greatest bliss and deepest pain humans know. But I do not want to live like a robot, half lonely, for the rest of my life. Not saying I only have two options of dating or being lonely, but what is amazing is my own very resistence to what I want most.
I do not feel good right now. I am terrified. I feel like a three year old, lost in a store full of strangers. I am not sure if I have the trust or faith that everything will be okay. It does not help that I work with the one guy (I have a rule not to date guys from work, but damnit, I am not very good about following my own rules). Also in that, I have been ignoring my sexuality, which is not helpful.
I want to pull an ostrich and stick my head in the sand. But, lucky for me, I have a list of several tasks with which to distract myself.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Wine left overs
So, I still have Chardonnay and Pinot Blanc, and although I cannot tell the difference, both are in the fridge begging to be drunk. Who am I to deny wine its manifest destiny? Those grapes were born to affirm my own joy in life!
So I was considering all my goals today, and it is rather daunting. Um, it's not just a list. It's a list of transformation. There is no way I can do all those things and be the same person. So I have three words: Bring IT On! I am a timid soul, but I hate boredom, and my hatred of boredom almost always wins out, and I have to find new and exciting ways to amuse myself. A month ago, being on a dating site alone almost gave me a panic attack. And now, I am replying to almost every message.
I do have to say, having my wine tasting party only affirmed my HUGE weakness in knowing one red wine from another. Ditto for whites. I can at least tell the difference from reds and whites, although I cannot guarantee that would hold up if I were blind folded. I may have to seak professional help. From a wine drinking pro.
Ohhhhhhhhh, I have such a long way to go. *Glass of wine!* Here is cheers to that!!
So I was considering all my goals today, and it is rather daunting. Um, it's not just a list. It's a list of transformation. There is no way I can do all those things and be the same person. So I have three words: Bring IT On! I am a timid soul, but I hate boredom, and my hatred of boredom almost always wins out, and I have to find new and exciting ways to amuse myself. A month ago, being on a dating site alone almost gave me a panic attack. And now, I am replying to almost every message.
I do have to say, having my wine tasting party only affirmed my HUGE weakness in knowing one red wine from another. Ditto for whites. I can at least tell the difference from reds and whites, although I cannot guarantee that would hold up if I were blind folded. I may have to seak professional help. From a wine drinking pro.
Ohhhhhhhhh, I have such a long way to go. *Glass of wine!* Here is cheers to that!!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Wine appreciation...
Not that anyone is following or reading this, but it's all about me anyway, so I felt I would excuse myself from my long break from writing a post. Please be assured that my dedication to this project has in no way waned. I just started a new job, and that took up my focus for a few weeks. In the mean time, I applied for, and was accepted, to a Masters of Arts program for English. This means that two (or was it three) of my tasks are set up to be in motion... being well read and going back to school.
Also, in the meantime, I have taken on the first task of wine appreciation. This was easy, since all I had to do was invite people to my house to drink the wine I bought. I had a friend help me pick out seven bottles of wines, two white, one blush, and four red. Then I put together a list of what they were, along with the specific brands we would be sampling. I invited about 14 or 15 people, since it seems that at an average, half the people invited will show up. I asked the guests to bring cheese, chips, crackers, and sorbet. I served some apples and different water (sparkling, mineral, distilled) to cleanse the palet. The book suggested to have each guess bring a bottle of wine, but I am way too controlling for that. I wanted to know what would be served and make sure it would not be missed if a guest couldn't make it for some reason.
The night of the party, my guests arrived near on time, which is unusual for a party. It included my best friend, her boyfriend, my best guy friend, his friend, another close girl friend with her friend, and an old friend I have not seen in some years. We opened a bottle of Burgandy to start the night and get everyone warmed up. I had the bottles wrapped in blue masking tape, the kind used for painting, with numbers 1-7 written on the bottles. Everyone had a note card to write what wine they thought they were drinking, as well as adjectives to describe the wine.
The results were surprising. I was amazed at how well some of my friends knew their wine. I knew what the wines were, but still had great difficulty actually discerning the difference between the reds. Another of my friends, not a big drinker, did not make it past the third glass. In all, two of my guests got 5 out of 7 right (it seems the Pinot Noir and Caberne sent out conflicting vibes on which was which).
At the end of the night, everyone left, happy. I was slightly buzzed, happily full, and deeply amused. I got to see a new side to people I have known for a long time. But I am not really any better educated on wine tasting. I think I may look for a local class, and now I know which friends to invite with me to such a class...
Also, in the meantime, I have taken on the first task of wine appreciation. This was easy, since all I had to do was invite people to my house to drink the wine I bought. I had a friend help me pick out seven bottles of wines, two white, one blush, and four red. Then I put together a list of what they were, along with the specific brands we would be sampling. I invited about 14 or 15 people, since it seems that at an average, half the people invited will show up. I asked the guests to bring cheese, chips, crackers, and sorbet. I served some apples and different water (sparkling, mineral, distilled) to cleanse the palet. The book suggested to have each guess bring a bottle of wine, but I am way too controlling for that. I wanted to know what would be served and make sure it would not be missed if a guest couldn't make it for some reason.
The night of the party, my guests arrived near on time, which is unusual for a party. It included my best friend, her boyfriend, my best guy friend, his friend, another close girl friend with her friend, and an old friend I have not seen in some years. We opened a bottle of Burgandy to start the night and get everyone warmed up. I had the bottles wrapped in blue masking tape, the kind used for painting, with numbers 1-7 written on the bottles. Everyone had a note card to write what wine they thought they were drinking, as well as adjectives to describe the wine.
The results were surprising. I was amazed at how well some of my friends knew their wine. I knew what the wines were, but still had great difficulty actually discerning the difference between the reds. Another of my friends, not a big drinker, did not make it past the third glass. In all, two of my guests got 5 out of 7 right (it seems the Pinot Noir and Caberne sent out conflicting vibes on which was which).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)